The Jester’s Craft Predictions: 2015

2014 was a busy year in the hop shaped world of Craft Beer, empire’s rose and fell and the oceans were finally Burtonised, but those things are now behind us and we stand staring into the abyss of 2015. What horrors will 2015 unleash, will any heroes rise to fight them, are we ready for the shocks, the trails, the tribulations and the glory to come? To ensure that we are all prepared for the 2015 hopocalypse I will stare into my crystal ball and share my divinations with you all.

crystal_ball

 

Dog of the Brew

2015 will be a busy year for Brewdog. In the spring of 2015 they will create their very own professional wrestling promotion Extreme BrewDog Wrestling (EBDW). The promotion will concentrate exclusively on shouty video interviews by men wearing only their underpants and beards telling us about how they’ll “bring the pain”, “lead us all to hoptopia”, “slay the giants with nothing but the power they gain from all the little Brewdogsters out there” and other such statements. Most of the interviews will be nonsensical ramblings but when they actually get round to putting on a wrestling match it will be spectacular, sometimes.

The slaying of giants will play a major role in 2015 for Brewdog. In an effort to push the “brewing envelope”  coupled with drunken night of watching Guardians of the Galaxy and reading Jack and the Bean Stalk the BrewDog boys will go on a mighty quest armed only with a handful of magic hops. Around summer 2015 the magic hops will be planted and, with the support of a massive trellis, a hop vine will grow to the clouds. Upon climbing the vine and slaying the clueless giant they find there the Bewdog boys will hollow out the giant’s skull, ferment the gooey interior and bottle it up. “Brewdog Giant Killer – Brewed in a giant, using a giant” will push the envelope so far into the crafttosphere that people will be talking about how innovative it is for all time. The taste, however, will not be great.

jack_and_the_beanstalk_by_hextupleyoodot-d4rjgri

Craft-Speak

By the end of 2015 anybody sporting a beard will only be able to communicate in “craft-speak”, it will take a little while longer for those who are deemed “uncraft” to fully adopt “craft-speak” but eventually it will be the only form of acceptable communication.

The purpose of Craft-Speak was not only to provide a medium of expression for the craft-view and mental habits proper to the devotees of Craft but to also make all other modes of thought impossible.

Craft-Speak Diary 2nd Ed.

To ensure that you are prepared for the rise of craft-speak I will give you a heads up on the basics. For any descriptive word just add ey or y to the ending as it cuts down on the amount of actual words you need to use (and you don’t need to be specific).

Non Craft-Speak example:

“You can really taste the cascade hops, it has a floral flavour with the hint of grapefruit”.

Craft-Speak example:

“It tastes flowery, hoppy and citrusy” or “Hoppy goody”.

 

New suit, who suit, I suit, law-suit

The craft based trend of taking legal action against any company that bears any resemblance to your own will carry on throughout 2015. The top 10 reasons for lawsuits in 2015 will be, in no particular order;

  1. Having the same customers.
  2. Using the words beer or ale.
  3. Using colours on your label.
  4. Not using colours on your label.
  5. Using similar ingredients.
  6. Using letters from the alphabet to describe your ale.
  7. Being sold on the opposite pump.
  8. Being sold in the same pub.
  9. Contained in the same size can, bottle, cask or keg.
  10. Being of a wet consistency.

 

The Next BIG Taste

Pina Colada beer

 

Final Thoughts

It will be an interesting 2015 full of ups and downs with the biggest selling Christmas craft beer being Carling. This may come as a surprise but in Autumn 2015 there will be a repulsion against fresh ingredients and beer that tastes of something. All hail Carling our future craft overlords.

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